|
- af Lene Bang, 10. april 2026 - In English below
En dag gik molboerne ned til stranden og dyppede fødderne i vandet. Mens de gik og soppede kom herremanden og hans lakajer forbi. Molboerne bøjede hovederne og hilste ydmygt. Herremanden stoppede op, talte venligt til dem og inviterede dem til at møde op på torvet senere på dagen med deres familier, for han havde noget vigtigt at sige til dem.
De skyndte sig hjem og viderebragte meddelelsen til resten af familien. Alle var stolte over at blive inviteret af herremanden, så de iførte sig deres stiveste puds, selv børnene fik skrubbet neglene.
Herremanden var af en særlig støbning, for han kunne tale med fanden selv, som gav ham instrukser, og alle hans lakajer var dæmoner. Han bød dem velkommen, roste dem for at være gode samfundsborgere og talte fint og respektfuldt til dem, så de blev stolte og rankede ryggen.
Han indledte med at advare dem om, at der var alt for mange mennesker på jorden, for selvom jorden nok var stor, ville der sikkert ikke være mad nok til dem alle sammen, hvis de blev ved med at få mange børn. Selvom de havde 7 – 8 børn, som de alle elskede, syntes de, at det lød meget klogt.
Herremanden fortalte, at der var en fremtidsplan for molboerne. ”Planen er”, sagde herremanden, ”at I intet skal eje, ikke have noget privatliv, og alligevel være glade”. De blev meget stolte over, at nogen havde lavet en plan for dem.
En af herremandens lakajer tog en hvid kittel på, herremanden præsenterede ham som videnskabsmand og informerede dem om, at alt hvad han sagde var den pureste sandhed, som ingen måtte stille spørgsmålstegn ved, for ingen kunne være klogere end en videnskabsmand. Molboerne viste godt, at de ikke var så kloge, så hvis en af dem alligevel tillod sig at tvivle, vankede der buksevand til der blev rettet ind.
Videnskabsmanden fremlagde nogle modeller, som viste, at jorden ville blive varmere, havet ville stige, og himlen ville falde ned, hvis ikke molboerne straks stoppede med at gå og nyde livet, føde børn og udlede en masse CO2, som ganske vist gjorde alle planterne grønne, men alligevel var meget farlig.
Videnskabsmanden forklarede, at vejret havde ændret sig meget siden molboerne begyndte at te sig så uansvarligt. Han var så klog, at han kunne forudse, at vejret ville forandre sig mange tusinde år frem, hvis ikke folk stoppede deres uansvarlige opførsel.
Da molboerne kom hjem, skammede de sig og skældte hinanden godt og grundigt ud. De satte sig helt stille med hænderne i skødet mens ilden gik ud og kulden kom snigende. Efter en times tid skulle de tisse, men så ville de jo være skyld i global opvarmning, for så ville noget CO2 fra urinen stige op og fortynde ozonlaget, hvorefter himlen ville falde ned og havet stige flere meter. Det lød uhyggeligt, og hele det næste kvarter sad de alle bomstille. Til sidst kunne ingen holde sig længere. De måtte ud på dasset og lade vandet.
Om aftenen, da alle børnene sov, krøb mændene som sædvanlig op til konerne for at få lidt kærlighed, men af skræk for at komme til at lave endnu et barn, blev de enige om, at han nok hellere måtte sove på slagbænken. Den var hård, og han fik ondt i ryggen, men han var sikker på, at herremanden ville være tilfreds.
Heldigvis havde herremanden indkaldt til endnu et møde den næste dag, hvor man kunne få svar på eventuelle spørgsmål og heldigvis havde han en løsning på problemet. Han fortalte dem, at de kunne betale penge til ham, så ville problemerne gå over. Disse penge kaldte man for ”skat”. Det syntes molboerne var et hyggeligt ord, for det mindede dem om kærlighed. Hvis de absolut skulle tisse, kunne de få lov, mod at betale en tisseskat til ham.
Molboerne var glade for den ordning, og de førte nøje kontrol med, hvor mange gange i døgnet hver enkelt gik på dasset. Hvis nogen snød, vankede der høje bøder. De fattigste holdt op med at drikke så meget vand, sådan kunne de spare i skat.
Selvom molboerne var skræmte over at jorden ville blive varmere på grund af global opvarmning, var der mange, der i smug glædede sig til det, for de frøs virkelig meget om vinteren når de skulle spare på brændet. En dag efter en særlig kold vinter fik de at vide af videnskaben, at man nu kun talte om klimaforandringer og ikke mere om global opvarmning og at videnskaben ikke kunne skelne mellem menneskeskabt CO2 og det af naturen. Alligevel skulle de fortsat betale klimaskat, for hvorfor lave om på noget der fungerede.
Senere kom der mange flere skatter til. Det var molboerne glade og taknemmelige for, da de jo ellers ikke kunne tillade sig f.eks. at lave mad eller have en hest. ”Jeg betaler min skat med glæde” sagde en. ”Jeg betaler gerne frivilligt endnu mere skat for at vise, at jeg er et godt menneske” sagde en anden, og det havde de alle respekt for. ”Jeg sorterer mit skrald meget nøjagtigt, inden jeg smider det på møddingen”, sagde en tredje, men det betragtede de som en selvfølge, så det var de ikke så imponerede af.
Lene Bang
-------
A Molbo Story about CO2 Tax
A Molbo story (molbohistorie) is a traditional Danish humorous tale featuring naive, simple-minded people from the Mols region who solve simple problems with absurd, illogical solutions. These stories satirize human stupidity, showing the characters acting foolishly while fully believing they are wise and practical.
One day, the molboes went down to the beach and dipped their feet in the water. As they were splashing around, the squire and his lackeys came by. The molboes bowed their heads and greeted them humbly. The lord stopped, spoke kindly to them, and invited them to gather in the town square later that day with their families, for he had something important to tell them.
They hurried home and relayed the message to the rest of the family. Everyone was proud to be invited by the squire, so they put on their finest clothes; even the children had their nails scrubbed.
The squire was of a special breed, for he could speak with the devil himself, who gave him instructions, and all his lackeys were demons. He welcomed the molboes, praised them for being good citizens, and spoke to them politely and respectfully, so they stood tall and proud.
He began by warning them that there were far too many people on the earth, for even though the earth was quite large, there surely wouldn’t be enough food for all of them if they kept having so many children. Even though they had 7–8 children, whom they all loved, they thought that sounded very wise.
The squire told them there was a plan for the future of the molboes. “The plan is,” he said, “that you shall own nothing, have no privacy, and yet be happy.” They were very proud that someone had made a plan for them.
They hurried home and shared the news with the rest of the family. Everyone was proud to be invited by the squire so they put on their finest clothes; even the children had their nails scrubbed.
The squire was of a special breed, for he could speak with the devil himself, who gave him instructions, and all his lackeys were demons. He welcomed the molboes, praising them for being good citizens and spoke elegantly and respectfully to them and made them feel proud so they straightened their backs.
One of the squire’s lackeys put on a white lab coat and the squire introduced him as a scientist and informed them that everything he said was the purest truth, which no one was allowed to question, for no one could be wiser than a scientist. The molboes knew well that they weren’t that smart, so if one of them dared to doubt, they’d get a good thrashing and had their pants wettened until they fell in line.
The scientist presented some models showing that the earth would get hotter, the sea would rise, and the sky would fall if the molboes didn’t immediately stop going about their business, enjoying life, eating food, having children, and emitting a lot of CO2, which admittedly made all the plants green but was nevertheless very dangerous.
The scientist explained that the weather had changed a lot since the molboes started acting so irresponsibly. He was so wise that he could foresee that the weather would change for many thousands of years to come if people didn’t stop their irresponsible behavior.
When the molboes got home, they felt ashamed and gave each other a good, thorough scolding. Then they sat down in complete silence with their hands in their laps while the fire died down and the cold crept in. After an hour or so, they needed to pee, but then they would be causing global warming, because CO2 from their urine would rise and thin the ozone layer, after which the sky would fall and the sea would rise several meters. It sounded terrifying, and for the next fifteen minutes they all sat completely still. Finally, no one could hold it any longer. They had to go out to the latrine and relieve themselves.
In the evening, when all the children were asleep, the men crawled up to their wives as usual to get a little love, but out of fear of making another child, they agreed that he’d better sleep on the bench. It was hard, and his back started to ache, but he was sure the landlord would be pleased.
Fortunately, the squire had called another meeting the next day, where they could get answers to any questions, and fortunately, he had a solution to the problem. He told them they could pay him money, and then the problems would go away. This money was called “tax”, which translated into Danish is ”skat” which is the same word as sweetheart. The molboes thought it was a nice word, because it reminded them of love. If they absolutely had to pee, they were allowed to, provided they paid a pee tax to the squire.
The molboes were happy with the system, and they kept careful track of how many times a day each person used the latrine. If anyone cheated, they faced hefty fines. The poorest people stopped drinking as much water so they could save on taxes.
Although molboes were frightened that the earth would get warmer due to global warming, many secretly looked forward to it, because they were really cold in the winter when they had to conserve firewood. One day, after a particularly cold winter, they were told by scientists that the talk was now only about climate change and no longer about global warming, and that science could not distinguish between human-made CO2 and that produced by nature. Nevertheless, they were still required to pay the climate tax, because why change something that worked?
Later, many more taxes were introduced. The molboes were happy and grateful for this, since otherwise they wouldn’t be able to afford, for example, to cook or own a horse. “I pay my taxes gladly,” said one. “I’m happy to voluntarily pay even more taxes to show that I’m a good person,” said another, and they all respected that. “I sort my trash very carefully before I throw it on the compost heap,” said a third, but they took that for granted, so they weren’t particularly impressed by that.
Lene Bang
|
